Friday, June 1, 2012

DAY 11, TRANSPLANT DAY

SO, I didn't get a chance to blog last night but..

yesterday was my day 0, the start of a new life so to say....

i didn't sleep well the night before, whether it was nerves or something else keeping me up but i got up yesterday morning eager. I also greatly appreciate everyones calls, texts, messages, face booking, etc, wishing me good luck. <3

Between 10-11 am, Victor, My parents, Brittany, Josh, Kim, Chad, and Kayla got here. These were the people I Felt i wanted here to celebrate this day and witness the transplant. Many of you might not realize how simple the actual transplant process is... its literally as simple as a bag of blood being transfused, its the complications and the potential Graft VS Host decease that comes in the weeks, months, and even years later.... 

They started by pre-medding me with a cocktail of things to insure that i would not have an instant reaction to something foreign being pumped through my body.... my nurse brought in the cells and it was quite emotional for me...

 after weeks of pretesting, a painful drug to release the stem cells into the blood, just 24 hours prior this man somewhere in the US was admitted into a hospital somewhere where his stem cells were collected and put in this itty bitty bag to save my life... the second i saw the cells in my IV line i just broke down.. this was it. This was truly the moment my life was saved.



I will forever cherish this moment for the rest of my life. 




Wednesday, May 30, 2012

DAY 7,8,9,10

SO, i know i promised that no matter what i would blog every night but there was just no way...

day 7- Was my first day of the Chemo called Cytoxan
http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-52888-Cytoxan+IV.aspx?drugid=52888&drugname=Cytoxan+IV

This is the chemo that will stop and destroy my bone marrows ability to produce cells... I woke up sunday morning ready for the dose, being that i had done so well with all my chemo in the past. Well i was wrong, i had been pre warned that it was going to be bad but i thought i could skate through with non of the side affects.


They gave me my pre meds at 930 and 10:00 the chemo was hooked up..  within 15 minutes of it being started i could feel it running through my body... worst feeling ever; to feel this poison just destroying your body. I know its doing me good and part of whats going to cure me but its also doing me a lot of harm... after about 20 minutes,  my nose began to burn from the inside out. They said this might happen and it would eventually travel to my mouth.  Let me remind you that this dose of chemo is only 2 hours long but it was the longest two hours of my life. About 40 minutes in my legs began to hurt and i literally felt like my ovaries were being ripped out of my body. ( remember this is the chemo that destroys my ability to ever have kids again)... My nurses drugged me up with pain meds for the burning in my nose and the pains in my legs but nothing was strong enough at this point... by about an hour in the burning in my mouth began and oh my gosh it was bad. they call it "chili pepper mouth"but it was beyond that. It was the worst burning sensation I've ever felt. Between the pain meds and chewing on at least a gallon of ice, nothing seemed to work. I went through the last hour crying my eyes out because the pain was just so bad. After the two hours had pasted I was still in am enormous amount of pain but at this point the nausea started.


Im sure most of you would like to be spared the disgusting details but i was just sitting in my bed and out of no where i threw up; in my hands; luckily my bucket was right next to me and it didn't go anywhere else. I mean USUALLY you have some indicator that your about to throw up. NOT WHEN ITS CHEMO INDUCED.  About 5 minutes later Kim (Vics mom) got here to spend some time with me. (SHE DIDNT KNOW WHAT SHE WAS IN STORE FOR LOL). Not only was my mouth still on fire but i was still throwing up. On numerous occasions we were trying to have a conversation and out of no where i would start throwing up again.. Meanwhile they were still feeding me meds to try and calm everything down. Well finally i fell asleep..... About an hour later i woke up with the worst anxiety i have ever experienced (ALSO A SIDE AFFECT). I was freaking out, i needed to sit, i needed to stand, i needed to scream, i needed to curl up in a little ball and cry, nothing was making it go away... finally they got another med ordered for that and i passed out once more. .. a few hours later i woke up again, threw up a few more times and was dosed up with pain meds again for the pain in my legs.

Victor then got here and i was pretty much out of it the rest of the night, i would dose in and out, throw up, have a short conversation with him, then dose back out... He stayed the night with me, and the next morning i was dreading the second day of this horrible chemo. I think that the anxiety of knowing what to expect made my morning horrible. I knew how bad the second day was going to be. They said its usually 10x worse because you now have a double dose of the chemo in your system... and it was.

This time the side affects weren't immediate, they started about an hour and a half into the two our dose. They began again with my nose, then to my mouth, then feeling nauseous. My mom got here just in time, baring popsicles, sat here with me for a while. She then left to go get lunch with josh (my little brother) and during the time she was gone they had dosed me with a high dose steroid that needed "hospital approval". ALL of the side affects had gotten so bad that they needed to result to this. They came in and hooked up heart monitors to me (required to take this drug) and then they dosed me with it. Within 10 minutes i was asleep. I woke up and josh was here... i hardly even remember him being here, i remember him bringing me some food, me dumping it all over myself in bed, and falling back asleep, waking up and he was gone..... i woke up again and brittany and dillon were here, which i hardly remember; at all. i remember brittany writing me a note for my wall and thats about it.

I spent the rest of the day in this unexplainable fog, Thats what this drug does to you. It calms your whole body down and puts you a few steps above a medically induced coma. I could still get up on my own and eat on my own but i don't remember much of my day... I threw up a couple times that night and thats all i remember.

I woke up yesterday morning still feelings horrible. I felt like i had just gotta done drinking for 8 days straight, not that I've ever done that but i would imagine this is close to how it felt. My mind still wasn't working 100% for the first couple hours in the morning. I still couldn't eat.

Kim came again to spend some time with me and we figured out some wedding stuff, then she left and i showered and then victor came to spend a few hours with me. Then he left and my parents got here to spend an hour with me.

All in all it was the worst 3 days so far... i would honestly rather die then have to go through that pain and suffering one more time. They say thats the worst of it, and i honestly hope thats the truth because i couldn't handle anymore of it....

Today has been okay, i actually ate breakfast, showered, and I'm blogging, so that clearly means I'm feeling much better...

So the way that my days are calendared here is the days leading up to transplant and then the days after transplant, transplant being day 0. so I've gone from -7,-6,-5,-4,-3,-2... and today, today is -1...... I officially have 23 hours left until i will be transplanted with new cell that will hopefully save my life... give me more life to live, let me raise my son, be a wife to Victor, Be a better daughter, and a better sister. Hopefully tomorrow will give me that.... tomorrow is my day 0, the start of a new life.

Day 0 in the transplant world is considered your new Birthday.... I will officially now have 2 birthdays ( jealouuussss?, yup).. i have October 28, 1989, the day my beautiful mother gave birth to me... and i have May 31, 2012, the day that my body was reborn and my life was saved.  At 11:00 tomorrow morning I will officially have the genetic makeup and cells of a man somewhere in the US who has chosen to save my life. It really is such a selfless act to do something like this for someone.. someone you don't even know... all he knows about me is.... 22, female, A- blood type, LEUKEMIA.

at this point, after the torture that i had to educe the last few days, i can't make any promises as to if i will be able to blog everyday... i sure will try but the bad days, just might be too bad. no need to worry I'm sure ill be just fine, i hope.
Also, thanks to everyone who sent me cards and goodies in the mail <3





Dedication: Brittany
You and I have come an awful long way since we were little. As we have both gotten older we have grown much much closer and i have grown to love you more then ever. You have grown so much as a person the last 4 years, your not a little girl anymore and as nice as it is to see you come into your own, its still really hard to know that you don't need to quite as much anymore. You are so smart, so beautiful, so kind and i admire your strength.  You always try to do good for everyone around you no matter how it affects you and i love that about you. Your always putting everyone before your self and i think the last few months you've finally realized you come first. I know you've had some tough issue arise the last few months and I'm so glad that your getting better. you might only be 17 but i truly do look up to you, the person that you are, and the person that you aspire to be someday. I love you more then you will ever know little sister. you'll always be my best friend.
I love you, forever.




wish me luck <3

xO
Mel





Saturday, May 26, 2012

DAY 6..

hi!

Im definitely feeling the affects of the chemo today. A part of me was hoping i was going to skate through most of it feelings ok, well i was wrong.. i spent most of the day in my hospital bed watching tv. I didn't want to get up, eat, or walk. 

i had some visitors today. Chad, Kayla, and my Mom and Dad. <3 i love them.

Im sorry i don't have much to say today, I'm not feeling good and i have two of the worst days ahead of me. Things are about to get real and i couldn't be more terrified.... I know a lot of you are following me wanting all the juicy details, day by day, but theres nothing for today. My energy is running low. I feel like an 80 year old trapped in a 20 year olds body and things are only going to get worse and worse from tomorrow on out....

really missing Victor and Liam today, Luckily victor is coming to stay with me tomorrow night.
ALSO my mommy in law FINALLY gets home tonight from her week long vacation; missed her so so much!

Dedication: Josh
Brother, Josh, i can't even start to explain what you mean to me. We spent our childhoods as best friends and as an adult you grow more and more to be one of my best friends everyday. I am so proud of the man that you have become. You are one of the most genuine, loving, supportive people that Ive got in my life and i thank god everyday for giving me such a wonderful little brother. You've always been here for me, even when you didn't agree with my decisions. We have always confided in each other and whole heartily trusted each other with anything. I will spend the rest of my life beating it into your head that you are a great person and you NEVER need to change who you are or the things you want in life for anyone. You've found a great partner who thinks just as much of you as i do and i love that. You are smart, and you are important to my life, to my recovery, to my cure. I couldn't do this without you, without your love and without your support. I am so overly proud of you and the young man you have become.
I love you more than you'll ever know.



xO
Mel

Friday, May 25, 2012

DAY 5- CHEMO; AGGGIAN!

hi!

day 5 here. It was okay.

I woke up neasaus, they fixed it right away; I have to say that when your a Cancer patient the doctors and nurses really do do everything in their power to make sure that you are as comfortable as possible. I don't know what i would do without meds at this point, or how i would have lasted this long.  I didn't eat breakfast today, they may have kept me from throwing up but they can't give me my appetite back. hah.  I spent the morning surfing the internet and making notecards for vic (because hes LAZY, haha). Oh, and if any of you ever get the chance to stop by Scottsdale Shea's cafeteria, do it. be sure that you order their chocolate brownie. I have ordered one up to my room for 3 days now. BEST BROWNIE EVER. i figure I'm about to not eat for weeks i might as well stuff my face with things that are extremely bad for me, why not!?!


Pretty uneventful morning. Got two bags of Chemo during the day, one left for tonight, then the middle of the night rounds start. I feel like everyday is getting a little worse. The meds are doubling everyday and I'm getting more and more scared as the transplant nears...  everyday i find out new information that i didn't know prior. Risks, precautions, just a hole list of things that scare me even more.



 I would still have to say that my biggest fear through this whole process if Graft VS Host disease. Everyone gets some form of it during the recovery of the transplant, the degree is what varies.
:LINK:
http://my.clevelandclinic.org/services/bone_marrow_transplantation/hic_graft_vs_host_disease_an_overview_in_bone_marrow_transplant.aspx

Graft VS Host decease can be as minor as a skin rash, or as sever as your organs shutting down, some of which can be life long. It all depends on my bodies response to these foreign cells... really scary.
I found out today that the cells with be actually transplanted into me first thing thursday morning, and until then the Chemo will just get worse and worse everyday. I have two more left left of Busulfan, then starts the really bad one. The next round is what will actually destroy my existing bone marrow. This Chemo is so strong that it cannot be administered by just any nurse and if i am not transplanted with new cells, by body will never produce cells on its own again. Fatal.  scary.

I don't quite understand why my body decided to fail me, now...

really missing Liam today, so so much.. I'm trying to keep my mind off of it. its only been 3 days and its all i think about. Im going to go crazy by the end of these 8 weeks, literally. My strength is definitely going to be tested.



Well this afternoon my little brothaaaa *JOSH* and Victor came to see me. We all just hung out and talked. Josh made me a card for my closet wall; which definitely made my day, what can i say? the boy speaks the truth. :) and i love him so so much, he's grown into one of the best people i know, one of the best people i have ever ever met.




now I'm contemplating eating dinner or not, not feeling too well. ugh.... so today was pretty uneventful. i have a feeling over the next couple days as things get worse ill have a little bit more to fill you all in on. (not that i want things to get worse but iv already had fair warning, they will and i have no control over it)

Dedication: CHAD!
Chad,  just as Kim is like a second mom to me, you are like my second dad as well. Over the last three years we have definitely grown close and i admire you more then I can explain. Your one of the smartest, most kind hearted, reasonable men I have ever met. You are such a good dad to Vic and Kayla. They both love and adore you so much, its part of what makes me love you too. Seeing a childs love for their daddy is so heartwarming. The love and admiration that i feel for your son is endless, i am who i am because of him, the love that he shows me has made me a better person. Victors love for me and our relationship is a true testament to what kind of parents you and Kim were to him. He aspires to have the kind of relationship his parents had and i love that. Thank both of you for giving me the best partner I could have ever asked for, you have raised quite a son and ill love you forever for that.  If someday Vic grows into half the father you are, to Liam, I will be more then thrilled.
i love you!





xO
Mel





Thursday, May 24, 2012

DAY 4; MORE CHEMO- SETTLING IN..

SO, its my second full day in the Transplant Unit and its still so unreal... today I got a bag of Chemo at 2am, 8am, and 2pm... but I'm doing okay.


I spend most of the night last night awake, with a thousand different possibilities flowing through my head. I called and said goodnight to Vic at around 11:30 and i fell right asleep.. by 12:30 my nurse was in my room shaking me because I was having a nightmare that i didn't wake up out of.. somehow i knew this was going to happen last night... then i fell back asleep, 2am then crept up on me and i was again being woken up out of my sleep... another nightmare. This time i had an even harder time falling back asleep.

I was awake tossing and turning until about 3:30 in the morning, once i finally fell back asleep the bright shinning sun was in my face by 5:15. needless to say, i seriously got NO sleep last night. I woke up, ate breakfast, had my second bag of Chemo for the day started, and took a shower.. i did some wedding planning and finished getting a couple ducks in a row.

I ate lunch and then had some visitors. Vic, My mom & Natalie. Vic and my mom brought me a whole array of things i seem to have forgotten for my stay here. Essentials, like the iPhone picture printer (DUH), a jacket, snacks, you know. hah. Natalie just hung with me for a couple hours and we printed pictures and decorated a portion of my door. I love her.




Vics now at home feeding Liam and cooking himself dinner, I just skyped them. i love them so much i can't even explain! As hard as this is going to be on me to be away from them for 8 weeks, knowing i get to go back home and live a happy and HEALTHY life with them when this is all over is whats going to keep me going.

Not much went on today, as you can see, today and tomorrow are going to be pretty repetitive and borning. Saturday starts the even more dangerous Chemo....... the chemo thats going to destroy me for the rest of this stay.....


i know theres a lot of you looking forward to reading juicy details today, IM SORRY! hopefully something more exciting for you guys to read happens tonight or tomorrow, lol.

Dedication: Kim
Kiiiim, you really are like a second mother to me. Aside from my own mother, there is no one else that i look up to and trust more then i do you. You are one of the worlds greatest role models and i aspire to someday be the mother that you are to Vic and Kayla, to Liam. You are one of the most caring, heart warming, UNDERSTANDING people iv ever met and there isn't anything i would change about you. You have helped me through this long journey more then you will ever know. You've cheered me up when i was in the dumps, you've given me advise, good advise, you've done everything you possibly could to make me as comfortable and happy as possible and i will never be able to express how thankful i am to have you in my life. I don't know where i would be or where my head would be at without you. you teach me everyday that being a good person is what matters, and i grow to love you more and more each day.  I want to make you proud to call me your daughter in law, and i hope you never ever forget how much i cherish the relationship we have together, everyday for the rest of my life.
i love you

xO
Mel

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

DAY 3- HERE FOR GOOD, & CHEMO

well...as of 9 am this morning i was admitted to the transplant center for good, or well for the next 8 weeks at least, ha.

first and foremost i cannot even explain to you how hard the rest of my night was last night... i held my little Liam in my arms and just cried. I didn't want to let go, i didn't want to let him to go to sleep... i knew i was going to have to leave him this morning and even thinking about that was tearing me apart. i wish he could have just stayed awake all night long..... after finally putting him to bed, Vic and I went to bed where i then became hysterical once again. its now midnight and I'm crying my eyes out holding onto vic expressing how much i don't want to leave him. edventually i cried myself to sleep on his chest, (this man hates to cuddle so i knew he was sad, ha)

i woke up at 6:15 this morning, and the first thing i did was get liam from his crib and put him in bed with us.. i only had a couple hours left with him, i played with him for a bit, got his lunch ready, and just tried to soak up those last few moments before i had to leave. I felt like he knew what was going on. on my way out of the house i stole his monkey from his crib, the stuffed animal he sleeps with every night. i needed to take it.


The hardest part of my day was this next part..... daycare..
as we pulled up to the daycare to drop liam off, i immediately started crying, HOW IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY BABY, HE DOESNT GET IT, AND ITS KILLING ME. i got him out of his carseat and hugged him and kissed him as i was crying to the point where i couldn't breath. I couldn't even walk him into the daycare, i was such a mess.. i told him i loved him and watched victor walk him into the doors... that was the last time ill see him for 8 weeks, & this right here is whats going to kill me...... give me cancer, throw as many speed bumps at me as you need to, but don't take my baby from  me; YET ANOTHER THING I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CHOICE IN.




at this point, vic and i started our drive to the transplant center... its only a 20 minute drive but it seemed like hours.. we got here a little early so he took me to breakfast before i was CONFINED behind a set of double doors. we walked through the main entrance at 9. Victor held my hand the entire way in.. and someone from the transplant unit was down right away to get me a bring me up....




walking through these doors made everything way more real for me, IM GETTING A TRANSPLANT, I DONT HAVE A SIMPLE SORE THROAT. Vic and i both had to "scrub in" before walking any further then right behind the doors. 3 full minutes of scrubbing the germs away, then i was brought to my new room... my new home for the next 8 weeks. hopefully the room my life will be saved in.


All my vital signs were immediately taken, i was weighed, and we were shown around the 50 foot hallway that my life will now consist of.  I was given about 20 minutes to settle in and the blood draw started. Only 3 tubes today, compared to the 28 (literally) yesterday. We got the chance to ask some questions and explore my 10x10 room. (YIIPEE). I saw the doc, saw his N.P and vic and i just spent a couple hours together. 2:30 rolled around and my first chemo bag of the day was hung..



10 minutes later my nurse was back with an array of meds.
IV anti nausea, anti headache, anti kidney crystal, anti seizure, clotting meds, liver function, PH balancer for the mouth, and just a few more. my list will get longer and longer as the days pass. within just a few days ill be on 20+ meds, 3 times daily.... good thing i don't have a pill phobia or anything.  for the third day in a row, IM TERRIFIED. not only can the chemo that I'm on kill me alone, but all the   meds i have to take to keep my organs and brain working and keep me from getting sick all have an array of side affects on their own....man.


I now just got back to my room from walking the hallway (required, no lazy cancer patients in here), i just ate dinner and I'm going to search the net and then watch american idol (which i kind of hate but its the finale so ill give) .... next bag of chemo will be hung at 8...

I have a feeling i will have a few people in here to help me through this.. i learned today there are 6 other patients in the unit.... two of which are young. 21 and 23. I'm sure one of them if not both of them understand what I'm going through. I'm sure they ask themselves the same questions i do each day..
why me?
what did i do to deserve this?
am i not a good enough mother, i need to be tested?
is this karma of some form?
im 22, why is my life on the line, but murderers get to live, happy and healthy?
and many more... ill never have any answers. ever

so, today was hard, the hardest part, saying goodbye to that little boy that changed my life. My baby Liam, my savior, my whole world.
second hardest. telling the love of my life id see him tomorrow. I cant stand not sleeping next to him. I have a feeling my night will be filled with no sleep and nightmares... yay..
i just got done skyping with vic and liam <3 seeing my boys faces made my night so much better. but then i broke down into tears again after getting a picture of Liams artwork from daycare today... coincidentally, its Orange. The color of the fight for Leukemia. i just love him to pieces.


all of the comments, messages, texts, and phone calls meant the world to me today. it really means a lot to me that everyone is showing such support for me through this journey. I honestly don't know what i did to deserve so much love from so many people. it really melts my heart to realize how many people really do care and love me, i couldn't fight this without each and every single one of you. i love you! ALSO, thank you to everyone who has changed their profile pictures on Facebook to a picture of them and I, its so sweet. And to those of you who have changed their photo to an orange cancer ribbon and are leaving it until I'm out of the hospital, i just love it. :) you probably don't have the one I'm posting (BELOW) as your default pic, but i thought this one summed me up quite well. F-U LEUKEMIA.


I can do this. i won't let any of you down. These room are very neutral and very boring, in order for me to girly it up a little I'm asking everyone (if you would like of course) to send me a card! ill put them all over the walls and post pictures in order to decorate this boring room a little!
Cards can be given to victor- or sent to

Scottsdale Shea Hospital
Bone Marrow Transplant Unit
Patient- Melissa Burns- Room # 2318
9003 E. Shea Blvd
Scottsdale, Arizona 85260


Please just be sure not to send flowers, fruits, or veggies. i can't have anything that could be potentially carrying any sort of bacteria<3

Dedication: Dad
Dad, we aren't even speaking right now and thats okay. I think your having an extremely hard time coping with whats happened to me, wether you'll admit it or not and thats okay, i get it. this wasn't supposed to happen, but at this point its out of everyones control and you can't change my cancer, you can't make it go away. You could always mend a broken heart or fix a skinned knee but this one i have to fight on my own, i have to let my body and this donor do the work of saving me. I know we get under each others skin and we push each other to the max but that doesn't mean i don't love you or i wouldn't do anything for you. you've always been there for me, you've always supported me in all of my decisions even if you didn't agree with them, you've financially helped me with anything i ever needed, you've always loved me unconditionally, you've been a great dad and i wish you would realize that just being you is enough. your an amazing, smart, caring man and if i could go back and choose my own dad, id choose you.
“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” - Jim Valvano
i love you.



xO
Mel






Tuesday, May 22, 2012

DAY 2, CHEMO & BLOOD DRAWS

well today was another long, exhausting day. Vic, Liam and I woke up at the crack of dawn. We got Liam ready for daycare and off we were. I had to be at the Cancer center by 7am to start treatment. Victor dropped me off and my day had really now begun!


first, they drew my blood from my new line, much better then being poked over and over! little did i know, i had to have blood drawn all day long. Today was what they call "test chemo". The Chemo i am being given this time *pre transplant* is much different then the chemo I've received in the past.  Busulfan, very dangerous and very scary.

http://www2.mdanderson.org/cancerwise/2010/05/qa-intravenous-busulfan-before-stem-cell-transplant.html

Today was called test Chemo because they calculate your dosage based on your weight, hight, and age. This dosage then needs to be tested to make sure it doesn't need to be altered for the treatment the rest of the week.

By 7:15 i had another IV in my left arm, this would stay in all day to have all blood drawn from it for the "testing". 7:45 another blood draw and the start of pre meds. pre meds are given to avoid certain side affects, in todays case, nausea. My pre med ran for 15 minutes and ANOTHER blood draw. 8:00 the chemo was hooked up to my hickman line in my chest and the poison began to flow! from this point on i had blood drawn every 15-20 minutes until 3:00. This is how the dosage is tested. They examine the blood samples to fallow how quickly and in what form my body metabolizes the chemo. Hopefully they got the dosage right. We will know tomorrow!

ANYWAYS, my day was long and uncomfortable. i sat on the computer for 8 hours straight feeling sorry for myself. Everything becomes much sadder when they hang that bag of poison labeled "CHEMOTHERAPY". I'm still incredibly sore today from the placement of the hickman yesterday. I don't want to move, talk, reach, nothing. I just want to sleep, but even thats uncomfortable.


Tomorrow is day 3 of this week but really its day 1 of the process. I will be admitted to the Transplant Center tomorrow morning at 9 am where i will begin my 8 week stay. I'm terrified. i don't want to leave. i don't want to leave my boys, i don't want to leave my family, friends, i don't want to leave my life. I know it seems selfish because I'm leaving to go save my life, why wouldn't i want to go? its just the biggest, hardest shell shock iv ever had to go through. My life has been ripped from me in the blink of an eye and i had no say in any of it, i still don't. i go or i die, what kind of choice is that. Liam will start walking in the next few weeks, i get to miss it, I'm sure there will be dozens of other mile stones i will miss as well and it breaks my heart. I don't want to leave victor, we are best friends, we do everything together and the thought of leaving him for 8 weeks is killing me... he at least can visit, Liam on the other hand... he can't. i have to go 8 weeks without visits from my baby and i honestly don't know what I'm going to do. i spent the last 20 minutes holding him, crying, at a loss for words. I have to say bye to him in the morning and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do it... i just can't.


im all packed and ready to leave for the hospital in the morning, as ready as i can be i guess.... as ready as ill ever be... i hope this pain, this torture all pays off in the end. please just save me. please.

Dedication: MOM!
Mom... i don't even know where to begin with you. you have grown to be one of the most strong and courageous people i know. I always knew you were strong but i never realized the depth until this happened to me. You have done so much for me and i could never express to you my appreciation. I love you more then i could ever put into words. As a mom, i can't imagine what you are going through, I'm your baby girl and this wasn't supposed to happen, i can't imagine exactly what your going through deep inside. You have helped me grow, you have healed my heart and helped me cope with this. You've been my mom, my friend, my shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to and at times someone i took my anger out on. you have helped tremendously with Liam and even been a helping hand to Victor. You've cleaned my house, grocery shopped, car pooled to the doctors appointments and helped me with anything needed. You have truly been amazing and i don't know where i would be without you. Thank you for every little thing you do for me, never forget how appreciated and loved you are by your kids. You really are the best mom in the world. I will beat this, i promise. You will watch me get married, i won't disappoint you.
I love you



thats all for today... long day, rough night, and tomorrows going to be even harder.
ill miss each and every one of you so much....
so while I'm busy saving my life i won't say goodbye,
ill see you soon, friends.
<3






xO
Mel

Monday, May 21, 2012

TRANSPLANT- DAY 1

HICKMAN.

My day started off at 5 am. My mom and I were at the hospital by 6 am ready for my procedure. I got a Hickman Catheter inserted into my chest. For those of you who don't know exactly what that is here is a link.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hickman_line

The morning was slow to say the least. I was set to start at 630am but as we all know, HOSPITALS SUCK and are always running late.

To say my veins are exhausted would be an understatement. Getting an IV in these arms is like wishing for rain in Arizona, it hardly ever happens. After 2 tries, FINALLY! I was taken back for the procedure at 9am (SO LATE). i was put on an operating X-ray table. I was draped from head to toe and my neck was first Ultra Sounded. At this point i was not sedated, just given some meds to take me to "lala land". They then made an incision in my neck and catheterized a tube into the main vein in my neck. The end of the line comes out in my chest. The incision in the neck is then sewed up. So at this point i have  a line that comes out of my chest and splits off into three lines. This will be used to administer all Chemo, draw blood, and most importantly, the transplant! I left the hospital feeling OK, got some of my ducks in a row, ran some errands and little did i know it was because i was still numbed up. By 5 o'clock i was in some pain. It hurts to talk, move, walk, eat. It was flat out hurts to move. BUT OOPPPSSS I FORGOT TO TELL MY DOC I WAS OUT OF PAIN MEDS. So, who saves the day other then Zach? yup. Thank god he had a few extra to help my out for the night.


So yes. I'm in pain, this sucks, its been the most painful day yet (aside from the biopsy with NO sedation), but i can take it. bring it on!

Helpful little fact! My mommy in law turned me onto this website
http://stupidcancer.com/
it was formerly imtooyoungforthis.com and there is really a lot of useful information for any young people with cancer.

Dedication: It seems fitting to dedicate my first day to my love, Victor. I mean when it all comes down to it, i wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. You know my fear of doctors and how stubborn i am and if you hadn't walked me into the ER the night you did things would have turned out a lot differently... your the absolute love of my life. Your the best man i know and there is no way i could do this without you.  There are not enough words for me to describe the love i feel in my heart for you. I know i tell you often how much i love you but i don't think you truly realize the depths i would swim for you.  You are the best father to Liam that i could have ever asked for. You are raising him to be just as kind and gentle hearted as you are ( his tough guy act is just that, an act). I hope one day he looks up to you and realizes, you saved his mom, if it wasn't for his daddy, this strong brave loving man, i wouldn't be here. You have guided me through this journey and tried to keep my spirits up. You have forced me to eat when food was the last thing on my mind, you've carpooled me everywhere and anywhere i need to go, you've watched me be tortured and put through pain, you've watched me cry and cried with me you truly have been more then i could have ever asked for. You Victor, are my Angel.
I love you.











Tomorrow, Day 2- Chemo.


xO
Mel


I ONLY HAVE 1 QUESTION, WHY ME?

If your reading this, you probably already know my story, my battle, what has become my entire life. My name is Melissa, i'm 22 years young and I have Leukemia. On February 17, 2012 I was diagnosed with AML My signs and symptoms were all there... but what 22 year old would have ever dreamnt Leukemia would have been the answer to everything.

Now for the back story, some of which I have not shared, if your going to pass judgment then you can stop reading,________________________ here.

I have a wonderful fiancĂ©, victor. The best man i know. My rock, I DONT know what i would do without this man in my life, and aside from him, the light of my eye is my 1 year old son, Liam. I have spent the last year growing more in love with Victor, and raising our son. The last year of my life has been the best one thus far. Vacations, getting engaged, family, bonding, working, growing to be the person i was up until 3 months ago. Victor and I always knew we wanted another child but never expected it to be 6 months after our first. In December of 2011 we got quite a surprise, an unexpected surprise, but a good one at that. We were pregnant with our second child. We couldn't have been happier. The doctors visits then started.
I began to be seen by the same doctor who delivered Liam, why not right? he was great the first time around, why wouldn't I go back? As every pregnant woman knows, blood work is routine. Early on I was told that I was "DangerouslyAnemic". I had low Iron. 8 weeks in I began to take iron supplements 3 times daily. I was told that I would still probably be extremely tired and not feeling well, even with the added iron. I was told over and over that my first son was a breezeee and i clearly wasn't going to be that lucky again. Well, weeks pasted and i got more and more tired by the day, i continued to work 8 hour days, and live my life just as i was before. 4 more weeks passed and i was getting worse and worse. At this point i think everyone saw a change in me, they didn't now what except for "tough pregnancy". Well, I now stopped cleaning my house, nearly never cooked a hot meal for my boys, my headaches were enough to make me want to shoot my self in the face, I couldn't walk further then 20 feet without being winded, and couldn't keep my eyes open past 8oclock at night. The "Anemia" is causing this, right? yeah, thats what i was told, for weeks, my doctor seemed as if he couldn't have cared less. I was told I needed to drink more water and "I was having a rough pregnancy this time around". Lets not forget i had only given birth to Liam 6 months prior, I didn't forget what it felt like to be pregnant and this sure as hell didn't feel like pregnancy issues to me.
On Valentines day, February 14, 2012, I went into my doctor for a routine check. At this appointment I stressed how crappy I really was feeling and that things were only getting worse and worse. It was then shoved under the rug once again and chopped up to "a difficult pregnancy", only my doctor decided to very calmly mention that on the blood work that was drawn 4 weeks prior "my platelets were low" but " it is abnormal for platelets to be low, so we just assume it was a lab error, lets retest just to be safe". What doctor ASSUMES test results were a LAB ERROR instead of getting the patient back in IMMEDIATELY and retesting? well mine, i guess. sooo.. platelets? WTF are platelets and why are mine low? i had no idea, I'm not the doctor, nor have i EVER been dangerously sick. At this point i was a little worried but I figured my doctor knew how to do his job, even after failing me in the weeks prior I still gave him the benefit of the doubt..  So he draws my blood. By 9am the next morning I had a call from his assistant, "your Iron level is lower then before we put you on iron supplements, and your platelets are even lower this time around, it wasn't a lab error. We have scheduled you an appointment with a High Risk Pregnancy Doctor, be there at 11 am tomorrow, usually when things like this occur its a problem with the BONE MARROW". well great. so now I'm freaking out. Well what does any normal person in this century do when they need an answer? GOOGLE. go ahead and google "LOW IRON, LOW PLATELETS" first thing that comes up, Leukemia. Now we are really freaking out. All night long I was over analyzing everything, trying to come up with some other explanation. Everyone around me was stressing that I shouldn't jump to conclusions and to stop researching on the internet...it was terrifying but at the same time a part of me felt like i finally had an answer. GOOGLE diagnosed me.... (not really, but logically in my head all the pieces fit together).
Victor took the next day off work to bring me to this new doctor, we were worried about me, worried about our baby, just flat worried. We spent a few minutes in the waiting room before we were taken back to the exam room. This new doctor walks into the room, doesn't even take my vital signs, and without any hessitation announces that whatever is going on with me IS NOT pregnancy related, IT IS NOT AN IRON DEFICIENCY,  and i need to get in to see an ONCOLOGIST/HEMATOLOGIST within the next 2 days and rule out Leukemia, it was critical that I not wait. Now, why is it that this doctor, who doesn't know me from Adam can look at ONE simple blood test and practically diagnose me but a doctor iv been seeing for 2 years can't? did the idiot not know how to read blood work or did he just fail to look well enough? even at this point, non of the docs would admit me to the hospital. They sent me home. told me i would get a call from the oncologist to set an appointment, they needed to clear my insurance so they didn't know quite how long it would be.  Victor and I left absolutely devastated, this doctor had not given us any other possibilities, just one, Leukemia. Our families were upset all day, my parents, Vic's parents, our siblings, it was a rough day.
 That night we had a family dinner with my parents and Grandma, at this point it was still being stressed not to jump to conclusions, but i wanted answers and there was only one that seemed crystal clear.   we all decided the best choice was for Victor to take me to the ER. Once they saw my blood results they would have to admit me and fix me, right? RIGHT. Thats exactly what happened, after convincing the JERK ER doctor there was something more then "a tough pregnancy" wrong with me, he saw the results.  bad results. At this point i felt like i was being treated like some sort of charity case and not only were my Iron and Platelets even lower then the day prior, but they were so low now that everyone became very concerned. After months of being miserable, someone was finally listening to me. At this point they tell me I was being admitted and I was going to be ambulanced to Banner Desert, where there were ONCOLOGIST. I now I'm my heart know exactly whats going on here, wether i wanted to admit it or not, i knew in my heart, i had cancer. No one but an oncologist could "Diagnose" me but i had already done myself the duty. I was then brought to Banner Desert, I spent the next 6 hours in the middle of the night, in and out of machines, getting X-rays, Scans, Ultra sounds. my only good news at this point was that our baby was okay.
By 8 am, an Oncologist was at my bedside, asking my family cancer history...... well THERE IS NONE. No one in the family has ever had cancer, EVER. She explained that they needed to preform a bone marrow biopsy to confirm their suspicions. By 10 o'clock i was being  biopsied bedside, with NO SEDATION. They needed to protect the baby, because at this point i had not been diagnosed. Let me try to explain what this was like, HORRIBLE. having an 8 inch 4 gauge needle pounded into your bone THREE TIMES while not being put under is by far one of the worse things iv ever gone through, worse then labor, worse then anything i could ever explain. But once again who other then the love of my life was right by my side, crying with me, holding me, trying to get me through what seemed like the longest 10 minutes of my life, victor.... We were told that the results could take up to 24 hours to come back and at this point it was just a waiting game...
well 2 o'clock rolls around and there is an OB/GYN at my bedside explaining my "options". He thought the oncologist had already come to my room and broke the news, little did he know, I was under the impression my biopsy results were not back yet. He then slips in how "it is not safe, recommended, and nearly impossible to carry a child while going through treatment for AML".  my response, what is AML, and are you telling me i have cancer? heartbreaking that he thought i already knew, but i didn't, and i can promise you finding out as I'm being told my baby is at risk was not how i had planned it going down. I was in shock, cancer? I thought i could handle anything at this point but i wasn't prepared for a doctor to actually say it.  IM 22 YEARS OLD IM A NEW MOM, HOW DO I HAVE IT, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS, WHY ME?. Our families spent the next hours in shock, crying, sad, was this a nightmare? NO ITS NOT, ITS MY LIFE. We were then given a decision, carry our child, who will be born with birth defects, has a good chance of being still born, and risk your life. Carrying a child lessons your chances of the Chemo Therapy working. I was told that if i made the decision to continue with the pregnancy that i was making the wrong decision, it was what was best to save my life. So we did what we thought was right, what we thought would save my life. This was the hardest most selfish decision iv ever made in my life. They call it "medically terminated pregnancy". yeah, like that makes it any easier, NO IT DOESNT.  I then spent the next 24 hours receiving blood and platelet transfusions, the doctors were worried about internal bleeding, me accidentally hitting my head, basically hurting myself in any way. Your platelets are what give your blood the ability to clot; and i had close to none left in my body. After being transfused they thought my levels were safe enough to proceed and the procedure took place on Sunday the 19th. I could barley live with myself, i still couldn't comprehend the fact that this was my only choice, i had to do this or i would have died.
I woke up on the oncology floor, devastating. Everyday it was becoming more and more real....That night we found out we were having a boy. I chose to name him Victor Anthony JR. After the love of my life. the man who probably saved my life. Monday the 20th was the day they started the Chemo Therapy. I was so far into the decease that they could not wait any longer.I was starting my "Induction" I then received Chemo Therapy for 7 days straight 24 hours a day. I was on 30 pills a day, from vitamins and nausea meds to anti fungals and numbing meds. It was hard, and it was the most depressing week of my entire life but i got through it. I was in a deeper depression then iv ever been, wether people realized it or not, i was dying inside, and no one could help me, no one.
 I was now told by the docs that If Victor had not brought me to the ER when he did, i would have had at most 2 weeks to live, i would have died from this. Either way i would have ended up in the hospital but if it had been later rather then sooner there would have been nothing they could have done. Leukemia's types do not have anything to do with the "Stage" you are in or how far it has progressed in your body. Its types are simply that, just types. one is worse then the other, yes but just because you have the worst "Type" doesn't mean your not curable. I received another biopsy and my test results were back to narrow down exactly what type i had within AML.... I was hoping id be type 1..... type 1 is curable with Chemo Therapy alone....... well I then received the news that I HAD THE WORSE KIND, TYPE, STAGE, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT, and i required a Bone Marrow Transplant if i ever wanted to achieve Remission. I was diagnosed with a Leukemia that males over the age of 65 years old usually get and its very rare that me, a 22 year old female contracted this.  Cant i catch a brake? nope. My brother and sister (who i thank everyday for trying) were then tested to be matches for the transplant, unfortunately they did not match. It was also at this point that i learned after transplant i would never be able to have children again.... good thing i got a hell of a baby boy, but this brakes my heart, i love being a mom, its the most rewarding thing that has ever happened to me ..
I then spent the next weeks in the hospital, like a jail. After chemo you are doped up on Anti Biotics to avoid any type of infection in your body. Leukemia also affects your white blood cells so if i were to get a simple head cold, that could be it, i would have nothing left to fight an infection. Well little did i know I'm extremely allergic to one of these anti biotics. Within 8 hours of it being administered i broke out in rash from head to toe.... and this wasn't a simple rash, it was fire engine red, itchy, and very uncorfortable Typically in an allergy situation  your given Benadryl, right? YEP! for the next few days i was doped up on steroids and Benadryl for the rash to subside. One of Benadryl's side affects is something called restless leg syndrome. AND GUESS WHAT I GOT THAT TOO. of course i did.  for 5 days straight i was fed pain pills like they were candy to ease the pain. My legs, hips, bones, everything from the waste down felt like it was on pins and needles, being hit with a hammer..... eventually everything got better and better, not the cancer but all of the other horrible things that came along with it.
on day 30, i was finally discharged.  I then spent 3 days at home, with my family, trying to get back into a routine. I was so incredibly paranoid about everything, what if i get sick? is my house clean enough? are their germs on that? I wouldn't go to the grocery store, if i get sick, that could be it for me, over... well on day 3 we were at home where i then HAD AN UNRELATED GALL ATTACK. I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance only to find out I needed my gall bladder removed, seriously? iv beeb home 3 days and now I'm on my way back to this place i hate, this place i was trapped in for 30 days, this place that told me i had cancer, took my baby, took everything from me in a matter of 30 days.  My Gall Bladder was removed and i spent 3 days in the hospital this time around.  I got out again and Victor, Liam and myself took a 5 day vacation to california. We needed to get away and take our minds off of the bad that seemed to have surrounded us the month prior. 1 weeks later, i started my second round of chemo, this time outpatient. I went in for 3 hours a day for 5 days. The week was hard but nothing I couldn't handle at this point. Part of what Chemo Therapy does is kill all of the cells in your body, and with killing the bad cells comes killing the good ones as well. The chemo takes everything from you, the cancer cells (hopefully) red blood cells, platelets, white blood cells, everything.  8 days after my chemo had ended my levels had dropped back off, this is normal because of the Chemo but I was trying to stay away from the hospital. I woke up with bruises all over my body, a headache, bloody gums, and extremely tired. I knew i needed to go back, well so did my doc ( who i abolsutely love, by the way) He then told me to go to the ER immediately. Sure enough, my levels were low and i needed platelet and blood transfusions ASAP. I then spent the next 3 days in the hospital receiving the transfusions and letting my levels recover and naturally raise back up. FINALLY I GO HOME AGAIN!.
It was this week I then learned they had 3 possible donors for my transplant. This was great news for me, iv read so much about people having to wait months, even years for their transplants because they don't have matching donors and i was so afraid this would happen to me.  Iv spent the last few weeks doing testing, blood draws, and praying for this donor to pull through. Sure enough, he doesn't. After agreeing to donate he now isn't "Available" until the middle of june, thats too long. They then started looking in to match 2/3 whom was eager and quick to complete all of his testing. i just prayed that he would pull through because at this point I was already 2 weeks past the deadline for more Chemo and 1 week past the deadline to start my transplant... well he has, there were a few bumps in the road during the donor search but FINALLY we have a guaranteed match, and he is about to save my life.  I could never ever express the love i already feel in my heart for this man that i don't even know. I now know that he is in the US, he's 27, he's a Male and he has an O blood type, and thats all I'm aloud to know for at least a year........ this man is saving my life and saving my family and hopefully giving me time. One day ill know this person, i can promise you that..

 today is Monday May, 21, 2012 and the process started today!. which will be better explained in the next post! (which i promise won't be as long as this one!)

I have summed my story up in the most detailed way possible, I'm sure i missed minor details. I have so much going on in my head, in my life that I tend to blur some of it out. I encourage anyone who isn't "feeling well" pregnant, or not to get second opinions. It could just save your life.

Please don't pass judgment on anything here, If your going to judge or make assumptions about ANYTHING then don't bother following my blog, and i want to make it clear i did not have a choice but to "medically terminate" my pregnancy. I did not get an abortion. there is a different, in my heart, and in my reasoning. I made a selfish decision, yes. i saved my life, it wasn't a decision.

I might seem like I'm strong and like iv taken this like a champ. But i haven't. everyone close to me knows i haven't. Iv been in a depression like never before. I don't even know what to do with myself half the time.  I wake up everyday and ask myself WHY ME, ill never know, ill never know what i did to deserve something so horrible to happen to me and why my life is on the line. My life has become worry, it consists of being afraid, having other peoples blood and platelets flowing through my body, IV's and pick lines, being put in machines (which themselves are known to cause cancer) having poison pumped into my veins, my life is a nightmare.

All i want is to beat this, its eating me up inside. I do not want to die. IM 22. i have a son, i haven't even gotten the chance to marry the love of my life yet, its all i want. i want my family, i want victor, i want my baby boy.  It breaks my heart to even think about leaving them. but i know i won't i know ill beat this, i know this transplant will save me and one day ill look back at all of this and know it made me stronger, a better girlfriend, a better mom, a better daughter, a better daughter in law, a better sister, a better person. Each day i will dedicate that days blog to someone special in my life, or special to me, someone that has helped me, or maybe even just someone whose words have inspired me to fight harder.
I am going to document my every move through this transplant journey... I might not always feel up to talking, texting, or face booking but i will make sure to blog everyday and let all of you know what is going on and what process i am at. Ill be sure to post pics (probably of just my hospital suite, but its better then nothing) and maybe at times post a few videos. Its going to be a hard, tough, depressing 8 weeks in the hospital, but i know in my heart it is going to save me. i just know it.

xO
Mel