DAY 3- HERE FOR GOOD, & CHEMO

well...as of 9 am this morning i was admitted to the transplant center for good, or well for the next 8 weeks at least, ha.

first and foremost i cannot even explain to you how hard the rest of my night was last night... i held my little Liam in my arms and just cried. I didn't want to let go, i didn't want to let him to go to sleep... i knew i was going to have to leave him this morning and even thinking about that was tearing me apart. i wish he could have just stayed awake all night long..... after finally putting him to bed, Vic and I went to bed where i then became hysterical once again. its now midnight and I'm crying my eyes out holding onto vic expressing how much i don't want to leave him. edventually i cried myself to sleep on his chest, (this man hates to cuddle so i knew he was sad, ha)

i woke up at 6:15 this morning, and the first thing i did was get liam from his crib and put him in bed with us.. i only had a couple hours left with him, i played with him for a bit, got his lunch ready, and just tried to soak up those last few moments before i had to leave. I felt like he knew what was going on. on my way out of the house i stole his monkey from his crib, the stuffed animal he sleeps with every night. i needed to take it.

The hardest part of my day was this next part..... daycare..
as we pulled up to the daycare to drop liam off, i immediately started crying, HOW IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY BABY, HE DOESNT GET IT, AND ITS KILLING ME. i got him out of his carseat and hugged him and kissed him as i was crying to the point where i couldn't breath. I couldn't even walk him into the daycare, i was such a mess.. i told him i loved him and watched victor walk him into the doors... that was the last time ill see him for 8 weeks, & this right here is whats going to kill me...... give me cancer, throw as many speed bumps at me as you need to, but don't take my baby from  me; YET ANOTHER THING I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CHOICE IN.

at this point, vic and i started our drive to the transplant center... its only a 20 minute drive but it seemed like hours.. we got here a little early so he took me to breakfast before i was CONFINED behind a set of double doors. we walked through the main entrance at 9. Victor held my hand the entire way in.. and someone from the transplant unit was down right away to get me a bring me up....

walking through these doors made everything way more real for me, IM GETTING A TRANSPLANT, I DONT HAVE A SIMPLE SORE THROAT. Vic and i both had to "scrub in" before walking any further then right behind the doors. 3 full minutes of scrubbing the germs away, then i was brought to my new room... my new home for the next 8 weeks. hopefully the room my life will be saved in.

All my vital signs were immediately taken, i was weighed, and we were shown around the 50 foot hallway that my life will now consist of.  I was given about 20 minutes to settle in and the blood draw started. Only 3 tubes today, compared to the 28 (literally) yesterday. We got the chance to ask some questions and explore my 10x10 room. (YIIPEE). I saw the doc, saw his N.P and vic and i just spent a couple hours together. 2:30 rolled around and my first chemo bag of the day was hung..

10 minutes later my nurse was back with an array of meds.
IV anti nausea, anti headache, anti kidney crystal, anti seizure, clotting meds, liver function, PH balancer for the mouth, and just a few more. my list will get longer and longer as the days pass. within just a few days ill be on 20+ meds, 3 times daily.... good thing i don't have a pill phobia or anything.  for the third day in a row, IM TERRIFIED. not only can the chemo that I'm on kill me alone, but all the   meds i have to take to keep my organs and brain working and keep me from getting sick all have an array of side affects on their own....man.

I now just got back to my room from walking the hallway (required, no lazy cancer patients in here), i just ate dinner and I'm going to search the net and then watch american idol (which i kind of hate but its the finale so ill give) .... next bag of chemo will be hung at 8...

I have a feeling i will have a few people in here to help me through this.. i learned today there are 6 other patients in the unit.... two of which are young. 21 and 23. I'm sure one of them if not both of them understand what I'm going through. I'm sure they ask themselves the same questions i do each day..
why me?
what did i do to deserve this?
am i not a good enough mother, i need to be tested?
is this karma of some form?
im 22, why is my life on the line, but murderers get to live, happy and healthy?
and many more... ill never have any answers. ever

so, today was hard, the hardest part, saying goodbye to that little boy that changed my life. My baby Liam, my savior, my whole world.
second hardest. telling the love of my life id see him tomorrow. I cant stand not sleeping next to him. I have a feeling my night will be filled with no sleep and nightmares... yay..
i just got done skyping with vic and liam <3 seeing my boys faces made my night so much better. but then i broke down into tears again after getting a picture of Liams artwork from daycare today... coincidentally, its Orange. The color of the fight for Leukemia. i just love him to pieces.

all of the comments, messages, texts, and phone calls meant the world to me today. it really means a lot to me that everyone is showing such support for me through this journey. I honestly don't know what i did to deserve so much love from so many people. it really melts my heart to realize how many people really do care and love me, i couldn't fight this without each and every single one of you. i love you! ALSO, thank you to everyone who has changed their profile pictures on Facebook to a picture of them and I, its so sweet. And to those of you who have changed their photo to an orange cancer ribbon and are leaving it until I'm out of the hospital, i just love it. :) you probably don't have the one I'm posting (BELOW) as your default pic, but i thought this one summed me up quite well. F-U LEUKEMIA.

I can do this. i won't let any of you down. These room are very neutral and very boring, in order for me to girly it up a little I'm asking everyone (if you would like of course) to send me a card! ill put them all over the walls and post pictures in order to decorate this boring room a little!
Cards can be given to victor- or sent to

Scottsdale Shea Hospital
Bone Marrow Transplant Unit
Patient- Melissa Burns- Room # 2318
9003 E. Shea Blvd
Scottsdale, Arizona 85260


Please just be sure not to send flowers, fruits, or veggies. i can't have anything that could be potentially carrying any sort of bacteria<3

Dedication: Dad
Dad, we aren't even speaking right now and thats okay. I think your having an extremely hard time coping with whats happened to me, wether you'll admit it or not and thats okay, i get it. this wasn't supposed to happen, but at this point its out of everyones control and you can't change my cancer, you can't make it go away. You could always mend a broken heart or fix a skinned knee but this one i have to fight on my own, i have to let my body and this donor do the work of saving me. I know we get under each others skin and we push each other to the max but that doesn't mean i don't love you or i wouldn't do anything for you. you've always been there for me, you've always supported me in all of my decisions even if you didn't agree with them, you've financially helped me with anything i ever needed, you've always loved me unconditionally, you've been a great dad and i wish you would realize that just being you is enough. your an amazing, smart, caring man and if i could go back and choose my own dad, id choose you.
“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” - Jim Valvano
i love you.

xO
Mel