first, they drew my blood from my new line, much better then being poked over and over! little did i know, i had to have blood drawn all day long. Today was what they call "test chemo". The Chemo i am being given this time *pre transplant* is much different then the chemo I've received in the past. Busulfan, very dangerous and very scary.
http://www2.mdanderson.org/cancerwise/2010/05/qa-intravenous-busulfan-before-stem-cell-transplant.html
Today was called test Chemo because they calculate your dosage based on your weight, hight, and age. This dosage then needs to be tested to make sure it doesn't need to be altered for the treatment the rest of the week.
By 7:15 i had another IV in my left arm, this would stay in all day to have all blood drawn from it for the "testing". 7:45 another blood draw and the start of pre meds. pre meds are given to avoid certain side affects, in todays case, nausea. My pre med ran for 15 minutes and ANOTHER blood draw. 8:00 the chemo was hooked up to my hickman line in my chest and the poison began to flow! from this point on i had blood drawn every 15-20 minutes until 3:00. This is how the dosage is tested. They examine the blood samples to fallow how quickly and in what form my body metabolizes the chemo. Hopefully they got the dosage right. We will know tomorrow!
ANYWAYS, my day was long and uncomfortable. i sat on the computer for 8 hours straight feeling sorry for myself. Everything becomes much sadder when they hang that bag of poison labeled "CHEMOTHERAPY". I'm still incredibly sore today from the placement of the hickman yesterday. I don't want to move, talk, reach, nothing. I just want to sleep, but even thats uncomfortable.
Tomorrow is day 3 of this week but really its day 1 of the process. I will be admitted to the Transplant Center tomorrow morning at 9 am where i will begin my 8 week stay. I'm terrified. i don't want to leave. i don't want to leave my boys, i don't want to leave my family, friends, i don't want to leave my life. I know it seems selfish because I'm leaving to go save my life, why wouldn't i want to go? its just the biggest, hardest shell shock iv ever had to go through. My life has been ripped from me in the blink of an eye and i had no say in any of it, i still don't. i go or i die, what kind of choice is that. Liam will start walking in the next few weeks, i get to miss it, I'm sure there will be dozens of other mile stones i will miss as well and it breaks my heart. I don't want to leave victor, we are best friends, we do everything together and the thought of leaving him for 8 weeks is killing me... he at least can visit, Liam on the other hand... he can't. i have to go 8 weeks without visits from my baby and i honestly don't know what I'm going to do. i spent the last 20 minutes holding him, crying, at a loss for words. I have to say bye to him in the morning and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do it... i just can't.
im all packed and ready to leave for the hospital in the morning, as ready as i can be i guess.... as ready as ill ever be... i hope this pain, this torture all pays off in the end. please just save me. please.
Dedication: MOM!
Mom... i don't even know where to begin with you. you have grown to be one of the most strong and courageous people i know. I always knew you were strong but i never realized the depth until this happened to me. You have done so much for me and i could never express to you my appreciation. I love you more then i could ever put into words. As a mom, i can't imagine what you are going through, I'm your baby girl and this wasn't supposed to happen, i can't imagine exactly what your going through deep inside. You have helped me grow, you have healed my heart and helped me cope with this. You've been my mom, my friend, my shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to and at times someone i took my anger out on. you have helped tremendously with Liam and even been a helping hand to Victor. You've cleaned my house, grocery shopped, car pooled to the doctors appointments and helped me with anything needed. You have truly been amazing and i don't know where i would be without you. Thank you for every little thing you do for me, never forget how appreciated and loved you are by your kids. You really are the best mom in the world. I will beat this, i promise. You will watch me get married, i won't disappoint you.
I love you
thats all for today... long day, rough night, and tomorrows going to be even harder.
ill miss each and every one of you so much....
so while I'm busy saving my life i won't say goodbye,
ill see you soon, friends.
<3
xO
Mel
No comments:
Post a Comment