I ONLY HAVE 1 QUESTION, WHY ME?

If your reading this, you probably already know my story, my battle, what has become my entire life. My name is Melissa, i'm 22 years young and I have Leukemia. On February 17, 2012 I was diagnosed with AML My signs and symptoms were all there... but what 22 year old would have ever dreamnt Leukemia would have been the answer to everything.

Now for the back story, some of which I have not shared, if your going to pass judgment then you can stop reading,________________________ here.

I have a wonderful fiancé, victor. The best man i know. My rock, I DONT know what i would do without this man in my life, and aside from him, the light of my eye is my 1 year old son, Liam. I have spent the last year growing more in love with Victor, and raising our son. The last year of my life has been the best one thus far. Vacations, getting engaged, family, bonding, working, growing to be the person i was up until 3 months ago. Victor and I always knew we wanted another child but never expected it to be 6 months after our first. In December of 2011 we got quite a surprise, an unexpected surprise, but a good one at that. We were pregnant with our second child. We couldn't have been happier. The doctors visits then started.
I began to be seen by the same doctor who delivered Liam, why not right? he was great the first time around, why wouldn't I go back? As every pregnant woman knows, blood work is routine. Early on I was told that I was "DangerouslyAnemic". I had low Iron. 8 weeks in I began to take iron supplements 3 times daily. I was told that I would still probably be extremely tired and not feeling well, even with the added iron. I was told over and over that my first son was a breezeee and i clearly wasn't going to be that lucky again. Well, weeks pasted and i got more and more tired by the day, i continued to work 8 hour days, and live my life just as i was before. 4 more weeks passed and i was getting worse and worse. At this point i think everyone saw a change in me, they didn't now what except for "tough pregnancy". Well, I now stopped cleaning my house, nearly never cooked a hot meal for my boys, my headaches were enough to make me want to shoot my self in the face, I couldn't walk further then 20 feet without being winded, and couldn't keep my eyes open past 8oclock at night. The "Anemia" is causing this, right? yeah, thats what i was told, for weeks, my doctor seemed as if he couldn't have cared less. I was told I needed to drink more water and "I was having a rough pregnancy this time around". Lets not forget i had only given birth to Liam 6 months prior, I didn't forget what it felt like to be pregnant and this sure as hell didn't feel like pregnancy issues to me.
On Valentines day, February 14, 2012, I went into my doctor for a routine check. At this appointment I stressed how crappy I really was feeling and that things were only getting worse and worse. It was then shoved under the rug once again and chopped up to "a difficult pregnancy", only my doctor decided to very calmly mention that on the blood work that was drawn 4 weeks prior "my platelets were low" but " it is abnormal for platelets to be low, so we just assume it was a lab error, lets retest just to be safe". What doctor ASSUMES test results were a LAB ERROR instead of getting the patient back in IMMEDIATELY and retesting? well mine, i guess. sooo.. platelets? WTF are platelets and why are mine low? i had no idea, I'm not the doctor, nor have i EVER been dangerously sick. At this point i was a little worried but I figured my doctor knew how to do his job, even after failing me in the weeks prior I still gave him the benefit of the doubt..  So he draws my blood. By 9am the next morning I had a call from his assistant, "your Iron level is lower then before we put you on iron supplements, and your platelets are even lower this time around, it wasn't a lab error. We have scheduled you an appointment with a High Risk Pregnancy Doctor, be there at 11 am tomorrow, usually when things like this occur its a problem with the BONE MARROW". well great. so now I'm freaking out. Well what does any normal person in this century do when they need an answer? GOOGLE. go ahead and google "LOW IRON, LOW PLATELETS" first thing that comes up, Leukemia. Now we are really freaking out. All night long I was over analyzing everything, trying to come up with some other explanation. Everyone around me was stressing that I shouldn't jump to conclusions and to stop researching on the internet...it was terrifying but at the same time a part of me felt like i finally had an answer. GOOGLE diagnosed me.... (not really, but logically in my head all the pieces fit together).
Victor took the next day off work to bring me to this new doctor, we were worried about me, worried about our baby, just flat worried. We spent a few minutes in the waiting room before we were taken back to the exam room. This new doctor walks into the room, doesn't even take my vital signs, and without any hessitation announces that whatever is going on with me IS NOT pregnancy related, IT IS NOT AN IRON DEFICIENCY,  and i need to get in to see an ONCOLOGIST/HEMATOLOGIST within the next 2 days and rule out Leukemia, it was critical that I not wait. Now, why is it that this doctor, who doesn't know me from Adam can look at ONE simple blood test and practically diagnose me but a doctor iv been seeing for 2 years can't? did the idiot not know how to read blood work or did he just fail to look well enough? even at this point, non of the docs would admit me to the hospital. They sent me home. told me i would get a call from the oncologist to set an appointment, they needed to clear my insurance so they didn't know quite how long it would be.  Victor and I left absolutely devastated, this doctor had not given us any other possibilities, just one, Leukemia. Our families were upset all day, my parents, Vic's parents, our siblings, it was a rough day.
 That night we had a family dinner with my parents and Grandma, at this point it was still being stressed not to jump to conclusions, but i wanted answers and there was only one that seemed crystal clear.   we all decided the best choice was for Victor to take me to the ER. Once they saw my blood results they would have to admit me and fix me, right? RIGHT. Thats exactly what happened, after convincing the JERK ER doctor there was something more then "a tough pregnancy" wrong with me, he saw the results.  bad results. At this point i felt like i was being treated like some sort of charity case and not only were my Iron and Platelets even lower then the day prior, but they were so low now that everyone became very concerned. After months of being miserable, someone was finally listening to me. At this point they tell me I was being admitted and I was going to be ambulanced to Banner Desert, where there were ONCOLOGIST. I now I'm my heart know exactly whats going on here, wether i wanted to admit it or not, i knew in my heart, i had cancer. No one but an oncologist could "Diagnose" me but i had already done myself the duty. I was then brought to Banner Desert, I spent the next 6 hours in the middle of the night, in and out of machines, getting X-rays, Scans, Ultra sounds. my only good news at this point was that our baby was okay.
By 8 am, an Oncologist was at my bedside, asking my family cancer history...... well THERE IS NONE. No one in the family has ever had cancer, EVER. She explained that they needed to preform a bone marrow biopsy to confirm their suspicions. By 10 o'clock i was being  biopsied bedside, with NO SEDATION. They needed to protect the baby, because at this point i had not been diagnosed. Let me try to explain what this was like, HORRIBLE. having an 8 inch 4 gauge needle pounded into your bone THREE TIMES while not being put under is by far one of the worse things iv ever gone through, worse then labor, worse then anything i could ever explain. But once again who other then the love of my life was right by my side, crying with me, holding me, trying to get me through what seemed like the longest 10 minutes of my life, victor.... We were told that the results could take up to 24 hours to come back and at this point it was just a waiting game...
well 2 o'clock rolls around and there is an OB/GYN at my bedside explaining my "options". He thought the oncologist had already come to my room and broke the news, little did he know, I was under the impression my biopsy results were not back yet. He then slips in how "it is not safe, recommended, and nearly impossible to carry a child while going through treatment for AML".  my response, what is AML, and are you telling me i have cancer? heartbreaking that he thought i already knew, but i didn't, and i can promise you finding out as I'm being told my baby is at risk was not how i had planned it going down. I was in shock, cancer? I thought i could handle anything at this point but i wasn't prepared for a doctor to actually say it.  IM 22 YEARS OLD IM A NEW MOM, HOW DO I HAVE IT, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS, WHY ME?. Our families spent the next hours in shock, crying, sad, was this a nightmare? NO ITS NOT, ITS MY LIFE. We were then given a decision, carry our child, who will be born with birth defects, has a good chance of being still born, and risk your life. Carrying a child lessons your chances of the Chemo Therapy working. I was told that if i made the decision to continue with the pregnancy that i was making the wrong decision, it was what was best to save my life. So we did what we thought was right, what we thought would save my life. This was the hardest most selfish decision iv ever made in my life. They call it "medically terminated pregnancy". yeah, like that makes it any easier, NO IT DOESNT.  I then spent the next 24 hours receiving blood and platelet transfusions, the doctors were worried about internal bleeding, me accidentally hitting my head, basically hurting myself in any way. Your platelets are what give your blood the ability to clot; and i had close to none left in my body. After being transfused they thought my levels were safe enough to proceed and the procedure took place on Sunday the 19th. I could barley live with myself, i still couldn't comprehend the fact that this was my only choice, i had to do this or i would have died.
I woke up on the oncology floor, devastating. Everyday it was becoming more and more real....That night we found out we were having a boy. I chose to name him Victor Anthony JR. After the love of my life. the man who probably saved my life. Monday the 20th was the day they started the Chemo Therapy. I was so far into the decease that they could not wait any longer.I was starting my "Induction" I then received Chemo Therapy for 7 days straight 24 hours a day. I was on 30 pills a day, from vitamins and nausea meds to anti fungals and numbing meds. It was hard, and it was the most depressing week of my entire life but i got through it. I was in a deeper depression then iv ever been, wether people realized it or not, i was dying inside, and no one could help me, no one.
 I was now told by the docs that If Victor had not brought me to the ER when he did, i would have had at most 2 weeks to live, i would have died from this. Either way i would have ended up in the hospital but if it had been later rather then sooner there would have been nothing they could have done. Leukemia's types do not have anything to do with the "Stage" you are in or how far it has progressed in your body. Its types are simply that, just types. one is worse then the other, yes but just because you have the worst "Type" doesn't mean your not curable. I received another biopsy and my test results were back to narrow down exactly what type i had within AML.... I was hoping id be type 1..... type 1 is curable with Chemo Therapy alone....... well I then received the news that I HAD THE WORSE KIND, TYPE, STAGE, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT, and i required a Bone Marrow Transplant if i ever wanted to achieve Remission. I was diagnosed with a Leukemia that males over the age of 65 years old usually get and its very rare that me, a 22 year old female contracted this.  Cant i catch a brake? nope. My brother and sister (who i thank everyday for trying) were then tested to be matches for the transplant, unfortunately they did not match. It was also at this point that i learned after transplant i would never be able to have children again.... good thing i got a hell of a baby boy, but this brakes my heart, i love being a mom, its the most rewarding thing that has ever happened to me ..
I then spent the next weeks in the hospital, like a jail. After chemo you are doped up on Anti Biotics to avoid any type of infection in your body. Leukemia also affects your white blood cells so if i were to get a simple head cold, that could be it, i would have nothing left to fight an infection. Well little did i know I'm extremely allergic to one of these anti biotics. Within 8 hours of it being administered i broke out in rash from head to toe.... and this wasn't a simple rash, it was fire engine red, itchy, and very uncorfortable Typically in an allergy situation  your given Benadryl, right? YEP! for the next few days i was doped up on steroids and Benadryl for the rash to subside. One of Benadryl's side affects is something called restless leg syndrome. AND GUESS WHAT I GOT THAT TOO. of course i did.  for 5 days straight i was fed pain pills like they were candy to ease the pain. My legs, hips, bones, everything from the waste down felt like it was on pins and needles, being hit with a hammer..... eventually everything got better and better, not the cancer but all of the other horrible things that came along with it.
on day 30, i was finally discharged.  I then spent 3 days at home, with my family, trying to get back into a routine. I was so incredibly paranoid about everything, what if i get sick? is my house clean enough? are their germs on that? I wouldn't go to the grocery store, if i get sick, that could be it for me, over... well on day 3 we were at home where i then HAD AN UNRELATED GALL ATTACK. I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance only to find out I needed my gall bladder removed, seriously? iv beeb home 3 days and now I'm on my way back to this place i hate, this place i was trapped in for 30 days, this place that told me i had cancer, took my baby, took everything from me in a matter of 30 days.  My Gall Bladder was removed and i spent 3 days in the hospital this time around.  I got out again and Victor, Liam and myself took a 5 day vacation to california. We needed to get away and take our minds off of the bad that seemed to have surrounded us the month prior. 1 weeks later, i started my second round of chemo, this time outpatient. I went in for 3 hours a day for 5 days. The week was hard but nothing I couldn't handle at this point. Part of what Chemo Therapy does is kill all of the cells in your body, and with killing the bad cells comes killing the good ones as well. The chemo takes everything from you, the cancer cells (hopefully) red blood cells, platelets, white blood cells, everything.  8 days after my chemo had ended my levels had dropped back off, this is normal because of the Chemo but I was trying to stay away from the hospital. I woke up with bruises all over my body, a headache, bloody gums, and extremely tired. I knew i needed to go back, well so did my doc ( who i abolsutely love, by the way) He then told me to go to the ER immediately. Sure enough, my levels were low and i needed platelet and blood transfusions ASAP. I then spent the next 3 days in the hospital receiving the transfusions and letting my levels recover and naturally raise back up. FINALLY I GO HOME AGAIN!.
It was this week I then learned they had 3 possible donors for my transplant. This was great news for me, iv read so much about people having to wait months, even years for their transplants because they don't have matching donors and i was so afraid this would happen to me.  Iv spent the last few weeks doing testing, blood draws, and praying for this donor to pull through. Sure enough, he doesn't. After agreeing to donate he now isn't "Available" until the middle of june, thats too long. They then started looking in to match 2/3 whom was eager and quick to complete all of his testing. i just prayed that he would pull through because at this point I was already 2 weeks past the deadline for more Chemo and 1 week past the deadline to start my transplant... well he has, there were a few bumps in the road during the donor search but FINALLY we have a guaranteed match, and he is about to save my life.  I could never ever express the love i already feel in my heart for this man that i don't even know. I now know that he is in the US, he's 27, he's a Male and he has an O blood type, and thats all I'm aloud to know for at least a year........ this man is saving my life and saving my family and hopefully giving me time. One day ill know this person, i can promise you that..

 today is Monday May, 21, 2012 and the process started today!. which will be better explained in the next post! (which i promise won't be as long as this one!)

I have summed my story up in the most detailed way possible, I'm sure i missed minor details. I have so much going on in my head, in my life that I tend to blur some of it out. I encourage anyone who isn't "feeling well" pregnant, or not to get second opinions. It could just save your life.

Please don't pass judgment on anything here, If your going to judge or make assumptions about ANYTHING then don't bother following my blog, and i want to make it clear i did not have a choice but to "medically terminate" my pregnancy. I did not get an abortion. there is a different, in my heart, and in my reasoning. I made a selfish decision, yes. i saved my life, it wasn't a decision.

I might seem like I'm strong and like iv taken this like a champ. But i haven't. everyone close to me knows i haven't. Iv been in a depression like never before. I don't even know what to do with myself half the time.  I wake up everyday and ask myself WHY ME, ill never know, ill never know what i did to deserve something so horrible to happen to me and why my life is on the line. My life has become worry, it consists of being afraid, having other peoples blood and platelets flowing through my body, IV's and pick lines, being put in machines (which themselves are known to cause cancer) having poison pumped into my veins, my life is a nightmare.

All i want is to beat this, its eating me up inside. I do not want to die. IM 22. i have a son, i haven't even gotten the chance to marry the love of my life yet, its all i want. i want my family, i want victor, i want my baby boy.  It breaks my heart to even think about leaving them. but i know i won't i know ill beat this, i know this transplant will save me and one day ill look back at all of this and know it made me stronger, a better girlfriend, a better mom, a better daughter, a better daughter in law, a better sister, a better person. Each day i will dedicate that days blog to someone special in my life, or special to me, someone that has helped me, or maybe even just someone whose words have inspired me to fight harder.
I am going to document my every move through this transplant journey... I might not always feel up to talking, texting, or face booking but i will make sure to blog everyday and let all of you know what is going on and what process i am at. Ill be sure to post pics (probably of just my hospital suite, but its better then nothing) and maybe at times post a few videos. Its going to be a hard, tough, depressing 8 weeks in the hospital, but i know in my heart it is going to save me. i just know it.

xO
Mel