DAY 11, TRANSPLANT DAY

SO, I didn't get a chance to blog last night but..

yesterday was my day 0, the start of a new life so to say....

i didn't sleep well the night before, whether it was nerves or something else keeping me up but i got up yesterday morning eager. I also greatly appreciate everyones calls, texts, messages, face booking, etc, wishing me good luck. <3

Between 10-11 am, Victor, My parents, Brittany, Josh, Kim, Chad, and Kayla got here. These were the people I Felt i wanted here to celebrate this day and witness the transplant. Many of you might not realize how simple the actual transplant process is... its literally as simple as a bag of blood being transfused, its the complications and the potential Graft VS Host decease that comes in the weeks, months, and even years later.... 

They started by pre-medding me with a cocktail of things to insure that i would not have an instant reaction to something foreign being pumped through my body.... my nurse brought in the cells and it was quite emotional for me...

 after weeks of pretesting, a painful drug to release the stem cells into the blood, just 24 hours prior this man somewhere in the US was admitted into a hospital somewhere where his stem cells were collected and put in this itty bitty bag to save my life... the second i saw the cells in my IV line i just broke down.. this was it. This was truly the moment my life was saved.

I will forever cherish this moment for the rest of my life. 

DAY 7,8,9,10

SO, i know i promised that no matter what i would blog every night but there was just no way...

day 7- Was my first day of the Chemo called Cytoxan
http://www.webmd.com/drugs/drug-52888-Cytoxan+IV.aspx?drugid=52888&drugname=Cytoxan+IV

This is the chemo that will stop and destroy my bone marrows ability to produce cells... I woke up sunday morning ready for the dose, being that i had done so well with all my chemo in the past. Well i was wrong, i had been pre warned that it was going to be bad but i thought i could skate through with non of the side affects.

They gave me my pre meds at 930 and 10:00 the chemo was hooked up..  within 15 minutes of it being started i could feel it running through my body... worst feeling ever; to feel this poison just destroying your body. I know its doing me good and part of whats going to cure me but its also doing me a lot of harm... after about 20 minutes,  my nose began to burn from the inside out. They said this might happen and it would eventually travel to my mouth.  Let me remind you that this dose of chemo is only 2 hours long but it was the longest two hours of my life. About 40 minutes in my legs began to hurt and i literally felt like my ovaries were being ripped out of my body. ( remember this is the chemo that destroys my ability to ever have kids again)... My nurses drugged me up with pain meds for the burning in my nose and the pains in my legs but nothing was strong enough at this point... by about an hour in the burning in my mouth began and oh my gosh it was bad. they call it "chili pepper mouth"but it was beyond that. It was the worst burning sensation I've ever felt. Between the pain meds and chewing on at least a gallon of ice, nothing seemed to work. I went through the last hour crying my eyes out because the pain was just so bad. After the two hours had pasted I was still in am enormous amount of pain but at this point the nausea started.

Im sure most of you would like to be spared the disgusting details but i was just sitting in my bed and out of no where i threw up; in my hands; luckily my bucket was right next to me and it didn't go anywhere else. I mean USUALLY you have some indicator that your about to throw up. NOT WHEN ITS CHEMO INDUCED.  About 5 minutes later Kim (Vics mom) got here to spend some time with me. (SHE DIDNT KNOW WHAT SHE WAS IN STORE FOR LOL). Not only was my mouth still on fire but i was still throwing up. On numerous occasions we were trying to have a conversation and out of no where i would start throwing up again.. Meanwhile they were still feeding me meds to try and calm everything down. Well finally i fell asleep..... About an hour later i woke up with the worst anxiety i have ever experienced (ALSO A SIDE AFFECT). I was freaking out, i needed to sit, i needed to stand, i needed to scream, i needed to curl up in a little ball and cry, nothing was making it go away... finally they got another med ordered for that and i passed out once more. .. a few hours later i woke up again, threw up a few more times and was dosed up with pain meds again for the pain in my legs.

Victor then got here and i was pretty much out of it the rest of the night, i would dose in and out, throw up, have a short conversation with him, then dose back out... He stayed the night with me, and the next morning i was dreading the second day of this horrible chemo. I think that the anxiety of knowing what to expect made my morning horrible. I knew how bad the second day was going to be. They said its usually 10x worse because you now have a double dose of the chemo in your system... and it was.

This time the side affects weren't immediate, they started about an hour and a half into the two our dose. They began again with my nose, then to my mouth, then feeling nauseous. My mom got here just in time, baring popsicles, sat here with me for a while. She then left to go get lunch with josh (my little brother) and during the time she was gone they had dosed me with a high dose steroid that needed "hospital approval". ALL of the side affects had gotten so bad that they needed to result to this. They came in and hooked up heart monitors to me (required to take this drug) and then they dosed me with it. Within 10 minutes i was asleep. I woke up and josh was here... i hardly even remember him being here, i remember him bringing me some food, me dumping it all over myself in bed, and falling back asleep, waking up and he was gone..... i woke up again and brittany and dillon were here, which i hardly remember; at all. i remember brittany writing me a note for my wall and thats about it.

I spent the rest of the day in this unexplainable fog, Thats what this drug does to you. It calms your whole body down and puts you a few steps above a medically induced coma. I could still get up on my own and eat on my own but i don't remember much of my day... I threw up a couple times that night and thats all i remember.

I woke up yesterday morning still feelings horrible. I felt like i had just gotta done drinking for 8 days straight, not that I've ever done that but i would imagine this is close to how it felt. My mind still wasn't working 100% for the first couple hours in the morning. I still couldn't eat.

Kim came again to spend some time with me and we figured out some wedding stuff, then she left and i showered and then victor came to spend a few hours with me. Then he left and my parents got here to spend an hour with me.

All in all it was the worst 3 days so far... i would honestly rather die then have to go through that pain and suffering one more time. They say thats the worst of it, and i honestly hope thats the truth because i couldn't handle anymore of it....

Today has been okay, i actually ate breakfast, showered, and I'm blogging, so that clearly means I'm feeling much better...

So the way that my days are calendared here is the days leading up to transplant and then the days after transplant, transplant being day 0. so I've gone from -7,-6,-5,-4,-3,-2... and today, today is -1...... I officially have 23 hours left until i will be transplanted with new cell that will hopefully save my life... give me more life to live, let me raise my son, be a wife to Victor, Be a better daughter, and a better sister. Hopefully tomorrow will give me that.... tomorrow is my day 0, the start of a new life.

Day 0 in the transplant world is considered your new Birthday.... I will officially now have 2 birthdays ( jealouuussss?, yup).. i have October 28, 1989, the day my beautiful mother gave birth to me... and i have May 31, 2012, the day that my body was reborn and my life was saved.  At 11:00 tomorrow morning I will officially have the genetic makeup and cells of a man somewhere in the US who has chosen to save my life. It really is such a selfless act to do something like this for someone.. someone you don't even know... all he knows about me is.... 22, female, A- blood type, LEUKEMIA.

at this point, after the torture that i had to educe the last few days, i can't make any promises as to if i will be able to blog everyday... i sure will try but the bad days, just might be too bad. no need to worry I'm sure ill be just fine, i hope.
Also, thanks to everyone who sent me cards and goodies in the mail <3





Dedication: Brittany
You and I have come an awful long way since we were little. As we have both gotten older we have grown much much closer and i have grown to love you more then ever. You have grown so much as a person the last 4 years, your not a little girl anymore and as nice as it is to see you come into your own, its still really hard to know that you don't need to quite as much anymore. You are so smart, so beautiful, so kind and i admire your strength.  You always try to do good for everyone around you no matter how it affects you and i love that about you. Your always putting everyone before your self and i think the last few months you've finally realized you come first. I know you've had some tough issue arise the last few months and I'm so glad that your getting better. you might only be 17 but i truly do look up to you, the person that you are, and the person that you aspire to be someday. I love you more then you will ever know little sister. you'll always be my best friend.
I love you, forever.

wish me luck <3

xO
Mel

DAY 6..

hi!

Im definitely feeling the affects of the chemo today. A part of me was hoping i was going to skate through most of it feelings ok, well i was wrong.. i spent most of the day in my hospital bed watching tv. I didn't want to get up, eat, or walk. 

i had some visitors today. Chad, Kayla, and my Mom and Dad. <3 i love them.

Im sorry i don't have much to say today, I'm not feeling good and i have two of the worst days ahead of me. Things are about to get real and i couldn't be more terrified.... I know a lot of you are following me wanting all the juicy details, day by day, but theres nothing for today. My energy is running low. I feel like an 80 year old trapped in a 20 year olds body and things are only going to get worse and worse from tomorrow on out....

really missing Victor and Liam today, Luckily victor is coming to stay with me tomorrow night.

ALSO my mommy in law FINALLY gets home tonight from her week long vacation; missed her so so much!

Dedication: Josh

Brother, Josh, i can't even start to explain what you mean to me. We spent our childhoods as best friends and as an adult you grow more and more to be one of my best friends everyday. I am so proud of the man that you have become. You are one of the most genuine, loving, supportive people that Ive got in my life and i thank god everyday for giving me such a wonderful little brother. You've always been here for me, even when you didn't agree with my decisions. We have always confided in each other and whole heartily trusted each other with anything. I will spend the rest of my life beating it into your head that you are a great person and you NEVER need to change who you are or the things you want in life for anyone. You've found a great partner who thinks just as much of you as i do and i love that. You are smart, and you are important to my life, to my recovery, to my cure. I couldn't do this without you, without your love and without your support. I am so overly proud of you and the young man you have become.

I love you more than you'll ever know.

xO

Mel

DAY 5- CHEMO; AGGGIAN!

hi!

day 5 here. It was okay.

I woke up neasaus, they fixed it right away; I have to say that when your a Cancer patient the doctors and nurses really do do everything in their power to make sure that you are as comfortable as possible. I don't know what i would do without meds at this point, or how i would have lasted this long.  I didn't eat breakfast today, they may have kept me from throwing up but they can't give me my appetite back. hah.  I spent the morning surfing the internet and making notecards for vic (because hes LAZY, haha). Oh, and if any of you ever get the chance to stop by Scottsdale Shea's cafeteria, do it. be sure that you order their chocolate brownie. I have ordered one up to my room for 3 days now. BEST BROWNIE EVER. i figure I'm about to not eat for weeks i might as well stuff my face with things that are extremely bad for me, why not!?!

Pretty uneventful morning. Got two bags of Chemo during the day, one left for tonight, then the middle of the night rounds start. I feel like everyday is getting a little worse. The meds are doubling everyday and I'm getting more and more scared as the transplant nears...  everyday i find out new information that i didn't know prior. Risks, precautions, just a hole list of things that scare me even more.

 I would still have to say that my biggest fear through this whole process if Graft VS Host disease. Everyone gets some form of it during the recovery of the transplant, the degree is what varies.
:LINK:
http://my.clevelandclinic.org/services/bone_marrow_transplantation/hic_graft_vs_host_disease_an_overview_in_bone_marrow_transplant.aspx

Graft VS Host decease can be as minor as a skin rash, or as sever as your organs shutting down, some of which can be life long. It all depends on my bodies response to these foreign cells... really scary.
I found out today that the cells with be actually transplanted into me first thing thursday morning, and until then the Chemo will just get worse and worse everyday. I have two more left left of Busulfan, then starts the really bad one. The next round is what will actually destroy my existing bone marrow. This Chemo is so strong that it cannot be administered by just any nurse and if i am not transplanted with new cells, by body will never produce cells on its own again. Fatal.  scary.

I don't quite understand why my body decided to fail me, now...

really missing Liam today, so so much.. I'm trying to keep my mind off of it. its only been 3 days and its all i think about. Im going to go crazy by the end of these 8 weeks, literally. My strength is definitely going to be tested.

Well this afternoon my little brothaaaa *JOSH* and Victor came to see me. We all just hung out and talked. Josh made me a card for my closet wall; which definitely made my day, what can i say? the boy speaks the truth. :) and i love him so so much, he's grown into one of the best people i know, one of the best people i have ever ever met.

now I'm contemplating eating dinner or not, not feeling too well. ugh.... so today was pretty uneventful. i have a feeling over the next couple days as things get worse ill have a little bit more to fill you all in on. (not that i want things to get worse but iv already had fair warning, they will and i have no control over it)

Dedication: CHAD!
Chad,  just as Kim is like a second mom to me, you are like my second dad as well. Over the last three years we have definitely grown close and i admire you more then I can explain. Your one of the smartest, most kind hearted, reasonable men I have ever met. You are such a good dad to Vic and Kayla. They both love and adore you so much, its part of what makes me love you too. Seeing a childs love for their daddy is so heartwarming. The love and admiration that i feel for your son is endless, i am who i am because of him, the love that he shows me has made me a better person. Victors love for me and our relationship is a true testament to what kind of parents you and Kim were to him. He aspires to have the kind of relationship his parents had and i love that. Thank both of you for giving me the best partner I could have ever asked for, you have raised quite a son and ill love you forever for that.  If someday Vic grows into half the father you are, to Liam, I will be more then thrilled.
i love you!

xO
Mel

DAY 4; MORE CHEMO- SETTLING IN..

SO, its my second full day in the Transplant Unit and its still so unreal... today I got a bag of Chemo at 2am, 8am, and 2pm... but I'm doing okay.


I spend most of the night last night awake, with a thousand different possibilities flowing through my head. I called and said goodnight to Vic at around 11:30 and i fell right asleep.. by 12:30 my nurse was in my room shaking me because I was having a nightmare that i didn't wake up out of.. somehow i knew this was going to happen last night... then i fell back asleep, 2am then crept up on me and i was again being woken up out of my sleep... another nightmare. This time i had an even harder time falling back asleep.

I was awake tossing and turning until about 3:30 in the morning, once i finally fell back asleep the bright shinning sun was in my face by 5:15. needless to say, i seriously got NO sleep last night. I woke up, ate breakfast, had my second bag of Chemo for the day started, and took a shower.. i did some wedding planning and finished getting a couple ducks in a row.

I ate lunch and then had some visitors. Vic, My mom & Natalie. Vic and my mom brought me a whole array of things i seem to have forgotten for my stay here. Essentials, like the iPhone picture printer (DUH), a jacket, snacks, you know. hah. Natalie just hung with me for a couple hours and we printed pictures and decorated a portion of my door. I love her.

Vics now at home feeding Liam and cooking himself dinner, I just skyped them. i love them so much i can't even explain! As hard as this is going to be on me to be away from them for 8 weeks, knowing i get to go back home and live a happy and HEALTHY life with them when this is all over is whats going to keep me going.

Not much went on today, as you can see, today and tomorrow are going to be pretty repetitive and borning. Saturday starts the even more dangerous Chemo....... the chemo thats going to destroy me for the rest of this stay.....


i know theres a lot of you looking forward to reading juicy details today, IM SORRY! hopefully something more exciting for you guys to read happens tonight or tomorrow, lol.

Dedication: Kim
Kiiiim, you really are like a second mother to me. Aside from my own mother, there is no one else that i look up to and trust more then i do you. You are one of the worlds greatest role models and i aspire to someday be the mother that you are to Vic and Kayla, to Liam. You are one of the most caring, heart warming, UNDERSTANDING people iv ever met and there isn't anything i would change about you. You have helped me through this long journey more then you will ever know. You've cheered me up when i was in the dumps, you've given me advise, good advise, you've done everything you possibly could to make me as comfortable and happy as possible and i will never be able to express how thankful i am to have you in my life. I don't know where i would be or where my head would be at without you. you teach me everyday that being a good person is what matters, and i grow to love you more and more each day.  I want to make you proud to call me your daughter in law, and i hope you never ever forget how much i cherish the relationship we have together, everyday for the rest of my life.
i love you

xO
Mel

DAY 3- HERE FOR GOOD, & CHEMO

well...as of 9 am this morning i was admitted to the transplant center for good, or well for the next 8 weeks at least, ha.

first and foremost i cannot even explain to you how hard the rest of my night was last night... i held my little Liam in my arms and just cried. I didn't want to let go, i didn't want to let him to go to sleep... i knew i was going to have to leave him this morning and even thinking about that was tearing me apart. i wish he could have just stayed awake all night long..... after finally putting him to bed, Vic and I went to bed where i then became hysterical once again. its now midnight and I'm crying my eyes out holding onto vic expressing how much i don't want to leave him. edventually i cried myself to sleep on his chest, (this man hates to cuddle so i knew he was sad, ha)

i woke up at 6:15 this morning, and the first thing i did was get liam from his crib and put him in bed with us.. i only had a couple hours left with him, i played with him for a bit, got his lunch ready, and just tried to soak up those last few moments before i had to leave. I felt like he knew what was going on. on my way out of the house i stole his monkey from his crib, the stuffed animal he sleeps with every night. i needed to take it.

The hardest part of my day was this next part..... daycare..
as we pulled up to the daycare to drop liam off, i immediately started crying, HOW IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO SAY GOODBYE TO MY BABY, HE DOESNT GET IT, AND ITS KILLING ME. i got him out of his carseat and hugged him and kissed him as i was crying to the point where i couldn't breath. I couldn't even walk him into the daycare, i was such a mess.. i told him i loved him and watched victor walk him into the doors... that was the last time ill see him for 8 weeks, & this right here is whats going to kill me...... give me cancer, throw as many speed bumps at me as you need to, but don't take my baby from  me; YET ANOTHER THING I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CHOICE IN.

at this point, vic and i started our drive to the transplant center... its only a 20 minute drive but it seemed like hours.. we got here a little early so he took me to breakfast before i was CONFINED behind a set of double doors. we walked through the main entrance at 9. Victor held my hand the entire way in.. and someone from the transplant unit was down right away to get me a bring me up....

walking through these doors made everything way more real for me, IM GETTING A TRANSPLANT, I DONT HAVE A SIMPLE SORE THROAT. Vic and i both had to "scrub in" before walking any further then right behind the doors. 3 full minutes of scrubbing the germs away, then i was brought to my new room... my new home for the next 8 weeks. hopefully the room my life will be saved in.

All my vital signs were immediately taken, i was weighed, and we were shown around the 50 foot hallway that my life will now consist of.  I was given about 20 minutes to settle in and the blood draw started. Only 3 tubes today, compared to the 28 (literally) yesterday. We got the chance to ask some questions and explore my 10x10 room. (YIIPEE). I saw the doc, saw his N.P and vic and i just spent a couple hours together. 2:30 rolled around and my first chemo bag of the day was hung..

10 minutes later my nurse was back with an array of meds.
IV anti nausea, anti headache, anti kidney crystal, anti seizure, clotting meds, liver function, PH balancer for the mouth, and just a few more. my list will get longer and longer as the days pass. within just a few days ill be on 20+ meds, 3 times daily.... good thing i don't have a pill phobia or anything.  for the third day in a row, IM TERRIFIED. not only can the chemo that I'm on kill me alone, but all the   meds i have to take to keep my organs and brain working and keep me from getting sick all have an array of side affects on their own....man.

I now just got back to my room from walking the hallway (required, no lazy cancer patients in here), i just ate dinner and I'm going to search the net and then watch american idol (which i kind of hate but its the finale so ill give) .... next bag of chemo will be hung at 8...

I have a feeling i will have a few people in here to help me through this.. i learned today there are 6 other patients in the unit.... two of which are young. 21 and 23. I'm sure one of them if not both of them understand what I'm going through. I'm sure they ask themselves the same questions i do each day..
why me?
what did i do to deserve this?
am i not a good enough mother, i need to be tested?
is this karma of some form?
im 22, why is my life on the line, but murderers get to live, happy and healthy?
and many more... ill never have any answers. ever

so, today was hard, the hardest part, saying goodbye to that little boy that changed my life. My baby Liam, my savior, my whole world.
second hardest. telling the love of my life id see him tomorrow. I cant stand not sleeping next to him. I have a feeling my night will be filled with no sleep and nightmares... yay..
i just got done skyping with vic and liam <3 seeing my boys faces made my night so much better. but then i broke down into tears again after getting a picture of Liams artwork from daycare today... coincidentally, its Orange. The color of the fight for Leukemia. i just love him to pieces.

all of the comments, messages, texts, and phone calls meant the world to me today. it really means a lot to me that everyone is showing such support for me through this journey. I honestly don't know what i did to deserve so much love from so many people. it really melts my heart to realize how many people really do care and love me, i couldn't fight this without each and every single one of you. i love you! ALSO, thank you to everyone who has changed their profile pictures on Facebook to a picture of them and I, its so sweet. And to those of you who have changed their photo to an orange cancer ribbon and are leaving it until I'm out of the hospital, i just love it. :) you probably don't have the one I'm posting (BELOW) as your default pic, but i thought this one summed me up quite well. F-U LEUKEMIA.

I can do this. i won't let any of you down. These room are very neutral and very boring, in order for me to girly it up a little I'm asking everyone (if you would like of course) to send me a card! ill put them all over the walls and post pictures in order to decorate this boring room a little!
Cards can be given to victor- or sent to

Scottsdale Shea Hospital
Bone Marrow Transplant Unit
Patient- Melissa Burns- Room # 2318
9003 E. Shea Blvd
Scottsdale, Arizona 85260


Please just be sure not to send flowers, fruits, or veggies. i can't have anything that could be potentially carrying any sort of bacteria<3

Dedication: Dad
Dad, we aren't even speaking right now and thats okay. I think your having an extremely hard time coping with whats happened to me, wether you'll admit it or not and thats okay, i get it. this wasn't supposed to happen, but at this point its out of everyones control and you can't change my cancer, you can't make it go away. You could always mend a broken heart or fix a skinned knee but this one i have to fight on my own, i have to let my body and this donor do the work of saving me. I know we get under each others skin and we push each other to the max but that doesn't mean i don't love you or i wouldn't do anything for you. you've always been there for me, you've always supported me in all of my decisions even if you didn't agree with them, you've financially helped me with anything i ever needed, you've always loved me unconditionally, you've been a great dad and i wish you would realize that just being you is enough. your an amazing, smart, caring man and if i could go back and choose my own dad, id choose you.
“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” - Jim Valvano
i love you.

xO
Mel

DAY 2, CHEMO & BLOOD DRAWS

well today was another long, exhausting day. Vic, Liam and I woke up at the crack of dawn. We got Liam ready for daycare and off we were. I had to be at the Cancer center by 7am to start treatment. Victor dropped me off and my day had really now begun!

first, they drew my blood from my new line, much better then being poked over and over! little did i know, i had to have blood drawn all day long. Today was what they call "test chemo". The Chemo i am being given this time *pre transplant* is much different then the chemo I've received in the past.  Busulfan, very dangerous and very scary.

http://www2.mdanderson.org/cancerwise/2010/05/qa-intravenous-busulfan-before-stem-cell-transplant.html

Today was called test Chemo because they calculate your dosage based on your weight, hight, and age. This dosage then needs to be tested to make sure it doesn't need to be altered for the treatment the rest of the week.

By 7:15 i had another IV in my left arm, this would stay in all day to have all blood drawn from it for the "testing". 7:45 another blood draw and the start of pre meds. pre meds are given to avoid certain side affects, in todays case, nausea. My pre med ran for 15 minutes and ANOTHER blood draw. 8:00 the chemo was hooked up to my hickman line in my chest and the poison began to flow! from this point on i had blood drawn every 15-20 minutes until 3:00. This is how the dosage is tested. They examine the blood samples to fallow how quickly and in what form my body metabolizes the chemo. Hopefully they got the dosage right. We will know tomorrow!

ANYWAYS, my day was long and uncomfortable. i sat on the computer for 8 hours straight feeling sorry for myself. Everything becomes much sadder when they hang that bag of poison labeled "CHEMOTHERAPY". I'm still incredibly sore today from the placement of the hickman yesterday. I don't want to move, talk, reach, nothing. I just want to sleep, but even thats uncomfortable.

Tomorrow is day 3 of this week but really its day 1 of the process. I will be admitted to the Transplant Center tomorrow morning at 9 am where i will begin my 8 week stay. I'm terrified. i don't want to leave. i don't want to leave my boys, i don't want to leave my family, friends, i don't want to leave my life. I know it seems selfish because I'm leaving to go save my life, why wouldn't i want to go? its just the biggest, hardest shell shock iv ever had to go through. My life has been ripped from me in the blink of an eye and i had no say in any of it, i still don't. i go or i die, what kind of choice is that. Liam will start walking in the next few weeks, i get to miss it, I'm sure there will be dozens of other mile stones i will miss as well and it breaks my heart. I don't want to leave victor, we are best friends, we do everything together and the thought of leaving him for 8 weeks is killing me... he at least can visit, Liam on the other hand... he can't. i have to go 8 weeks without visits from my baby and i honestly don't know what I'm going to do. i spent the last 20 minutes holding him, crying, at a loss for words. I have to say bye to him in the morning and I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do it... i just can't.


im all packed and ready to leave for the hospital in the morning, as ready as i can be i guess.... as ready as ill ever be... i hope this pain, this torture all pays off in the end. please just save me. please.

Dedication: MOM!
Mom... i don't even know where to begin with you. you have grown to be one of the most strong and courageous people i know. I always knew you were strong but i never realized the depth until this happened to me. You have done so much for me and i could never express to you my appreciation. I love you more then i could ever put into words. As a mom, i can't imagine what you are going through, I'm your baby girl and this wasn't supposed to happen, i can't imagine exactly what your going through deep inside. You have helped me grow, you have healed my heart and helped me cope with this. You've been my mom, my friend, my shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to and at times someone i took my anger out on. you have helped tremendously with Liam and even been a helping hand to Victor. You've cleaned my house, grocery shopped, car pooled to the doctors appointments and helped me with anything needed. You have truly been amazing and i don't know where i would be without you. Thank you for every little thing you do for me, never forget how appreciated and loved you are by your kids. You really are the best mom in the world. I will beat this, i promise. You will watch me get married, i won't disappoint you.
I love you



thats all for today... long day, rough night, and tomorrows going to be even harder.
ill miss each and every one of you so much....
so while I'm busy saving my life i won't say goodbye,
ill see you soon, friends.
<3

xO
Mel